I am removing the horror and the data about all the ways i have suffered which includes kidnapped. raped .poisoned tortured .long term sensory deprivation, and generally stupid people i had no choice but to bear and their idiotic behaviors as well as mother abusing me by beating me with a bible for being a witness.talking never helps because even after 20 years with my counselor, she is retired and i feel abandoned again. art, and prayer, my steadfast beliefs led me to where i needed to go, inside, i regress to a childlike state and trust Jah implicitly with my life. By pretending that i am alone with God, and I finally heard a voice soft spoken in the wind, while trying to find anything other than fuzz on my radio, this is what i heard" For all your many counselors, i am the only one who will save you." I think that keeping my online diary helps me to see i i can talk about it, and then in bits and pieces i add it to my diary. so that i do not keep trying to justify the reasons i felt i would be able to tell anyone who would listen I AM INNOCENT. I wrote songs to god about god and about his son, and i asked him to talk for me, because my heart was destroyed. after many suicide attempts, and being frozen to death and come back, the only way to stop this madness is to stop the world cause i want to get off. I am ok, i am used to it.